How was my 2014? - The NocturnalSaint

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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

How was my 2014?

 
I’ll be honest. 2014 wasn’t the best year for me. People around me might think that I’m fine and okay (since that’s what I want them to believe anyway) but I was absolutely not. I may have happy days but deep inside my heart I know that I am not okay. Happiness can be seen outside but my heart is hiding all the pains, loneliness and longing. It is this year that I finally realize and the truth finally sink in that I am alone. I’ve been living an independent life for more than a year since my family was relocated in Bulacan. I wanted this since I was younger not realizing how hard it is to be alone. Now that I am alone, there is no turning back. I am not completely alone because I still see my father almost every day as he fetch going to work. Same as my sister since she sleeps over in my apartment during week days. However I never felt that feeling of having a real home. When was the last time that I felt that I have a home with complete family? I really don’t know. I barely remember. Because now even we were all together I just feel that I’m disconnected with them. I guess it was all my fault I am the one who made that wall that Isolate myself form them. Not just them but to all the people around me.
“Cut the drama”, “Too much drama”, “I hate drama” those are the phrases that I have abuse for this year. I don’t know how many times I have used it. I have so much drama is life that I no longer wish to listen nor see more dramas from other people.

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Most of the time I always think of my “friends” first before me but not this year. I AM SELFISH. I became selfish. I didn’t care what other people would think of me. I didn’t care about their comment or their opinion. This year I told myself that I would do what I want without considering what other would think about it. And I enjoyed it. I feel free. I felt that I’m living my life. I can do what I want. I went places that I want to go. I joined people that I want to be with. I became rebellious. I became stubborn. It wasn’t easy because I have to leave my comfort zone. I have to stay away a bit to those people that I call friends. I have to stay away a bit from the Church that I belong to. I 
have to stay away from my old life. I have to wear a different Edison. Someone that people don’t see most of the time. Someone that they would never wish to see. Sorry if I get to emotional and get carried away. Let’s just enumerate some of the high lights of my life for this year. 

I had my official first heart break when I was rejected by a person that is so dear to me.

I had the chance to tell her my feeling for her last year but this year I finally took chance to asked her if I court her then I . was rejected. She preferred us be good friends. As much as I want to pursue it I just don’t have the courage to continue. Admittedly this is one of the major reason why this is wasn’t a good year for. It took me the whole to cope up with it and move on. The first quarter of this was just unbearable. I stop talking to her not even text. I tried to avoid as much as I can. I never to her. I don’t have bitterness in my heart but there’s just so much pain and loneliness that I have never experience before. Everything seems to be fine with her so everyone that were together I tried to pretend that everything is fine. But deep inside my heart I was hurting. No one know about this. I never want to know anyone about. I was ashamed of myself for making a move on her. I was embarrassed by the fact that busted. I don’t want anyone to pity me or laugh at me. I’m good in giving advice about love but guess what my own love life was mess. Good thing is that before this year ends I can finally tell that I HAVE MOVED ON.

I was spiritually dead.

I’ve stopped my daily devotion since January. I rarely pray. I was frequently absent from the church. I don’t go to prayer nor bible studies anymore. I don’t share the gospel. I was dead. I quit going to bible school. I have failed subject from the previous semester so I decided not to pursue it for another year. Same happened to Joel and Ruther, they also stopped.I was like a zombie. I was moving. I still joined church activities but I was dead. Last December 20 to 21 we had a prayer chain activity in our church. I don’t have plans of joining or coming at all. But 4:00 am of December 21 I was awaken. My body moves as if it has its own life. My feet brought me to the church. As I enter the prayer room that they set-up my tears started fall. I don’t know why and how it happened. I just found myself kneeling and face on the floor asking God for forgiveness. Thanking for all the good things that He has done in my life even though I forget him. I was so thankful for that experience. It help me release all the baggages in my heart. I felt relieve. I felt that I was freed from something I don’t know.

 

MJCF Last visit in Bulacan


Jonel paid visit and sleep over.

We have dinner at Tramway with Jen, Joel, Ruther and Jonel. Then we had coffee.

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Kulitan at Women’s Fellowship.

February and October fellowship
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BHESTY and Jinky reunited.

We were all together again after a long time. I an always thankful for these wonderful ladies. Who says i don't have a girl friends? Yes I don't have because I've got girl friends. I've got four of them!

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Baguio in a Day with my travel buddy, Epeng

Epeng I miss you!

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It’s more Fun with the Son Summer Camp (DVBS 2014)

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Tagaytay Escapade with Jen

Thank you for being there since Epeng is already taken. I can't just drag her everywhere just like what we used to do since she already have Jay. hehe

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Attempted not to post updates nor visit any Social Media for 30 days but FAILED.

I realized that social media has been part of my life already.

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Meeting Old folks.

Bhem, Angel, Jorelyn and Zandra were my classmates on college and we had a get together.

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My Inaanak – Nate’s first birthday.

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Team Mheleficent Team Building.

I am thankful for my Supervisor TL Mhel and SA G together with my teammates. You made our work less stressful and fun.
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I was hold up. My first. 

This is quite tragic to me but still thankful that I am live. Miracles do exist!

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VXI Christmas Part (RED CARPET)

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Eat out and dates with Jen

Dear Jen,
You are the closet friend that I had this year. Thank you for your time. Thank you for listening to all my dramas. Thank you for keeping my secrets. Thank you for having an open mind. Thank you for being honest. Thank you because even though you are much younger than me, I know that I can confide on you. Looking for more years of friendship Jen. I miss you.

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New Addiction. Clash of Clans, Clash of kings League of Legends

Thanks to afpniloy whom I met in COK. He invited me to be part of their clan on COC.




Met New friends.

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Meet my cute bunso and gwapong kuya!

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I started this year with heartbreaks and it just went on and on just like a domino effect. But thank God1 He is still good to me. By last quarter of this year the pain in my heart started to fade. The wound started to mend. I’m starting to become happy again. I have new inspiration :-) though my heart is not ready to fall in love again. It still too fragile. Inspiration is enough. Especially I know that will not progress since it’s forbidden. Can’t be and won’t be.
I’m just hoping that this coming year will be more fruitful and be a productive year for me. Looking forward for a positive coming year.
Thanks to all who have been part of my life and my journey this year!





































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